Parenting in the Desert – Part 2
(From our new book, Evolving From Religious Trauma. June 4th)
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Laura
Validating Our Child’s Emotions
I started teaching later in life, but I have refined my classroom management skills, so I always feel like I am in control and moving towards valuable objectives. I teach second grade at a rural elementary school, and even though the challenges are varied, they are predictable. I can usually guess what children will say under most circumstances, and little surprises me anymore.
But, when the children were playing with Legos, one of my students blurted out, “I’m stupid.”
I pulled him aside and quickly reassured him, “No, you are not!”
He argued that he was sure he was because someone in his family informed him of that. My heart broke, and I realized I had not responded appropriately to this young fellow. We often react to heart-breaking situations like this the best that we can.
We want to rescue them quickly. We see them in danger, and we need to save them even though their misunderstanding is deeply rooted in their own experience. However, we cannot always rescue them or even help them immediately. If the person they care about most thinks they are deficient, they will think less of themselves than they could.
While we do not want them to feel these negative emotions, the real problem may be our discomfort. If our child or student feels terrible about themselves, it reminds us of how we sometimes felt inside or were treated in earlier days.
But this young man in my classroom did not need me to rescue him or tell him the correct answer. He already believed the lie propagated by the person he cared about. He may not have wanted it to be true, and he may not have been happy about it, but he believed it because of who told him. What did he need from me that I did not give him?
Before I said anything else, I could have validated his feelings. The simplest way to do that is to repeat what you hear. When he stated that he felt stupid, I could have said something like, “So, you feel stupid?”
There is no need to agree or disagree with him initially. We are discussing how he feels, not how I perceive the situation. We must acknowledge his feelings and realize where he is emotionally.
When my husband and I are doing a focusing session with someone, we often help them say how they are feeling. They will eventually say, “A part of me feels….” After they express how they feel and where they feel it, we do not tell them they should or should not feel that or whether we agree with how they feel—we repeat it back to them,
We say, “So, a part of you feels…”
We often tell them they have a right to feel how they feel. Usually, that gets the ball rolling so they can move forward toward healing; we must avoid the urge to react from our trauma, which always comes out reactionary.
We can respond to our children in similar ways. We may have a more significant influence on them, but that makes what we say and how we say it even more relevant. The pause between our reaction and our response often makes all the difference in the world. In the brief time it takes to draw a breath, we can choose more effectively whether to speak and what would be best to say.
As I mentioned before, we do not want them to feel pain, and we desperately try to rescue them from it when we can. I remember when my children experienced physical pain, and I always went to them immediately and did what I could to alleviate it. It is much the same reaction when we see them emotionally hurting.
Our initial reaction may be to rescue them from feelings of unworthiness and find a quick fix to their problems, but often, it makes sense to do something a little more deliberate and pursue a more thoughtful approach.
Indeed, there are life-threatening situations, so we have the basic instinct to act quickly, but most things are not life or death, and they will benefit from a deliberate, thoughtful response.
My job initially was not to judge how they felt but to hear it clearly. The best way to acknowledge how someone feels is to ask them, “How do you feel?” and then repeat it to them. I was so surprised the first time I did this with someone. It meant so much more than me hurriedly trying to imagine a solution for them.
Most often, people and children respond with more information, beginning with, “Yeah, and…” where they dive deeper into the cause and reasons that they feel that way. Given enough time and care, they may even be able to devise their solution to how they feel without us having to imagine one for them.
Especially with younger children, we may have to help them recognize emotions they have trouble verbalizing. Often, we would say, “Does it feel more like this or more like that?” Even if the answer is “icky-like,” go with the answer they determine is best, but keep trying to help them with the vocabulary.
It is essential not to presuppose what they are feeling. Many times, my children surprised me with their understanding. They may not have had the vocabulary, but they are experts at how they feel and think about that more than anything else.
We must take the role of an observer, and anything we can do to remind us to stay in that role is helpful. Breathing deeply helps us pause and listen long enough for them to form their next thoughts. We might ask, “How does that make you feel?” or “How do you describe your feelings?”
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to pause and make sure you are not advising until they have thoroughly explored the depths of what they feel and what they think that feeling is telling them. Listen, ask questions, and breathe.
We do not just get these negative messages from parents; they also come from other groups, including religion. Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect on them, but different messages, and even trauma, are introduced from the messages they are hearing from others.
The best way to penetrate the messaging we all received is to ask, “How do you feel about that?” This helps us understand how they have processed what they have heard and whether it had a positive or negative impact. With good caregiving, we may help them avoid the trauma they otherwise would have faced.
Our children have forgiven us for most of our mistakes, but it might have been better not to make them in the first place. I hope you learn to be proficient and pause after the initial shock long enough not to react and to respond with better questions.”
Learning to understand and validate your child’s feelings may be one of the superpowers parents have been searching for.
Karl
I try not to have regrets, but there are things I wish I could have done better. Like my parents, I did the best I could with the information I had. So, although I give myself grace, I do not want to defend those ineffective ways; I want to pursue and promote a better way, if possible.
Like when I was parented by fear, I often listened to the voices around me. If I listened to the prominent voices telling me how to do it, I could at least blame it on someone if it did not work right. Because I did not know for sure, I often trusted the consensus instead of my authentic inner voice.
But now that I realize I can trust myself, I learn more from my inner, authentic voice than the cacophony of voices around me. It takes more patience, and I must first tune out all the noise of my world. It is more disciplined and less mainstream but also more authentic and genuine. I sense that my grown children and my grandchildren do not want me to be anything other than what I am—they want me to be me—they want me to be authentic.
Being OF God means that I work from the inside out. I do not try to gain the approval of my religious system or an old God in the sky. I now look inward and trust the divine voice inside me. I rely on my true self more than those around me to tell me how to be and what to say. Being the playful, adventurous, and mystical person I am is freeing.
The challenge is that even my children and Laura have their expectations of me. They imagine things going a certain way and me doing certain things. Some of that is based on their assumptions about life and their strengths and weaknesses. But my best move is to access the Divine inside me and proceed from my authentic self. It is best to be me and trust myself. It is best to be genuine.
Even though it makes me vulnerable, it is not only best for me but also for them. Our children have always been gracious about our mistakes, probably because we asked for forgiveness and told them we were sorry. They could forgive us and learn from our mistakes. But if we can avoid it, I hope we can pursue a better path in the future. Let us all be OF God more than trying to seek some mythical dogma or contrived way of being based on consensus. Let us go inside, find truth, and live authentically from that way of being and becoming.
Be Where you are, Be who you are,
Karl Forehand
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Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart, The Tea Shop, and Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He has been married to his wife Laura for 35 years and has one dog named Winston. His three children are grown and are beginning to multiply! You can read more about the author here.
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