In Search of My Father

by Laura Forehand

I must admit, since seeing the trailer for “A Wrinkle in Time”, I have wanted to go see it.  I really don’t know why.  I never read the book. Maybe it was all the special effects and beautiful lights I saw in the trailer.  Maybe it had something to do with time travel.  Maybe it was because Oprah was in it!  She’s kind of a big deal… and really a great actress!  Anyway, March 9^th was the release, and I was bound and determined to see it.

So fast forward to yesterday, which was Good Friday of all days.  Karl had suggested that we go into St. Joe early and catch a movie.  My job was to see what was playing.  There is literally ONE movie theater in St. Joe (that I know of) so if there isn’t anything worthwhile there, we are just out of luck.  The first couple of selections I read through were, well… for me, more “guy” type movies.  I really wasn’t in the mood for “Ready Player One” or “Pacific Rim Uprising”.  Then, oh my glorious stars! There it was! I saw it! “A Wrinkle in Time”!  Yes!  And perfection!  The next showing would give us just the right amount of time to make it to Good Friday church services afterwards.  So, off we went, purse stocked with two water bottles, a Kind bar, and ½ a bag of chocolate covered almonds.  We did buy a medium bag of popcorn once we got there; we’re not complete cheapskates, you guys!

I was right in all of my predictions… the movie was visually stunning with all its lights and colors!  I was totally obsessed with Oprah’s glittery lipstick and eye shadow!  I mean, let’s be honest… if I could pull that look off on any given regular day, I would so do it!  But, I digress.

I was totally into this movie, but then it happened.  I was pulled into the movie at a very emotional level. You see, the father character in this movie was somehow transported into the very depths of our galaxy and was lost there for four years.  The movie’s heroine, Meg, was then charged with finding him and bringing him back home.  Now, before you think that I am going to talk about the fact that my own father has been absent for 25 years, I’m not.  It’s funny how my soul has dealt with that loss and I am strangely at peace with it.  That is perhaps for another blog at another time.  No.  This is about the emptiness… the vast expanse between me and my Heavenly Father.  Some of you are thinking about slamming your computer shut or logging off at this point.  I’ve made you uncomfortable.  Stay with me. Be uncomfortable.  There can be good and healing stuff in the discomfort.

I’m just going to dive head first into very dangerous water.  Brace yourselves.  I have always been a church girl.  Grew up in church.  Was confirmed.  Memorized Bible verses.  Had really, really good “Sunday school” answers for everything… until I didn’t.  Was a Pastor’s wife for 20 years… create your own image of that, if you will.  However, in all the years of church, I can honestly say, I have struggled getting close to God.  I mean I knew all the right things to say or verses to quote.  I was in church, like… ALWAYS.  But, where was God?  I guess He was there, but seeming light years away.  After this last transition out of a church Karl was pastoring; after yet another time of deep hurt and questioning, it seemed in my world that God had moved even further away.  I began to truly question God… seriously, everything about Him.  I mean, was He even real?  If this question scares you, think about how it must have terrified me! I remember telling Karl, “What if I’m wrong about everything?  What if I die tonight and I go to hell?”  Yep, these are the completely transparent conversations that go on at the Forehand household.  I bet you’re jealous right about now!!

So, what does “A Wrinkle in Time” have to do with all of this?  I’m glad you asked, dear reader!  As I am watching Meg transport herself, with brother and new friend in tow, into the depth of the galaxy, she finally figures out where she can find her father.  This, my friends, is the part that punched me in the gut.  When she sees her father, they lock eyes, embrace deeply, and Meg cries out “Daddy!”  Tears are streaming down both of their faces and they embrace for what seems like forever.  Now, I’m not sure if the father character in the movie actually said this or if God simply spoke to my heart in that moment, but I remember hearing the father say “I’ve been here all along.”  Excuse me while I get a tissue…

As the movie progresses, it is all about getting her father back home in order to live happily ever after.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if I wrapped up this blog with “And I was able to bring my Father home in my own life and we are living happily ever after!”  That would be awesome indeed!  But, I’m just gonna be real.  Where I am right now, today, as I am typing this, is there is still a vast expanse of galaxy.  While God has been there all along, He is not stagnant.  He reminded me that He isn’t just sitting there waiting for me to move.  He is moving. I’m moving.  We are in a sort of dance.  While I LOVE to dance, I am quite clumsy when it comes to this particular dance. It’s one of those awkward dances that you see like 6^th grade boys and girls doing.  You know what I mean… arms out straight, no body parts touching, and no one is sure who is leading!  But, they are dancing nonetheless.  Eye contact is minimal at best. But, they are dancing nonetheless.  It’s messy.  But, they are dancing nonetheless.  I am going to trust that one day my dance will be different… close, intimate, fluid in our movements, eyes locked on one another.

I’m not sure when this great dance will take place, but I take heart because no matter what, He still wants to dance with me.  He is still moving closer to me.  He still whispers “I’ve always been here.”

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